2020 sucks and i’m confused

sometimes i forget how to live

i don’t really think of myself as a depressed person honestly

i know that’s like all i post on here but i’m honestly a really chill person, i just vibe with life

or i try to

but sometimes it’s just all too much

i forget how to exist, i lay in my room all day and i just don’t bother with anything

but i’m working on it

i just remembered i have a list of coping techniques in my notes

maybe i’ll do some of those

but what’s the point of trying to be happy when there’s so much sadness

what’s the point of using my “platform” when nobody listens

why


i realize i haven’t really posted anything worth reading here lately. i’ve just been rambling, and ranting, and it doesn’t really make sense to you guys. sorry.

my thoughts have been chaotic at best, nonsensical at worst. i’m questioning why i’m doing this, why i’m shouting into the void. how am i gonna help end racism, sexism, homophobia? i long to do meaningful things but spend my time scrolling instagram because there’s nothing better to do when i’m not working. i don’t bother to dream anymore because i get sad i can’t do it immediately.

is it nice to exist without a goal? yes, for a while, but i get sick of it. i need to do, to go, to live. i can’t really do that. self-improvement and learning is all i’ve done for the past couple years, i have so much more to do but i don’t want to do any more just yet. i don’t feel like i’m at a crossroads, but i do think i’m just wandering aimlessly.

i want meaningful connections, deep friendships, loving relationships. i want to make a difference, to leave a legacy, to inspire and influence.

instead i find myself surrounded by death, disease, and stupidity.

it’s all too much, sometimes. i want to be strong but end up weak, showing my vulnerability on a blog that nobody reads. i want to lead but end up being a fool. i want to inspire and and end up annoying.

my blog stats have fallen this year. i tell myself it isn’t a big deal but it’s probably posts like these, meaningless rambles where i’m not even sure the point in posting this. it’s not even depressingly motivational like last year. even my meaningful posts fall flat.

is anyone out there? is anyone gaining anything from what i post? or am i just screaming into the void, standing at the edge of a cliff, the wind whipping in my face?

this post is brought to you by jocelyn flores~xxxtentacion

24 thoughts on “2020 sucks and i’m confused

  1. You inspire me to stand up for what I believe in. Heck, you inspire me to try and figure out what I believe. And tbh, it’s nice to know that I am not the only one who is/has been struggling thru quarantine lol

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    1. While you are right about God having a plan for our lives, He has another important trait— sympathy. I see it everywhere in the bible and in this post, but where is it in this comment?

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      1. I’m really sorry I phrased this in a way that made you think I wasn’t being sympathetic to him! I was just trying to remind him of a truth that people have repeated to me in many different forms, and I wasn’t trying to be harsh. Sometimes the best way to combat the darkness and the lies is to speak truth, not to follow the temptation to wallow in the lies. 🙂

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    2. Just because everyone gets depressed now and again doesn’t make it any easier. Trust me, I know. Depression is scary and hard to deal with. It is no easy battle. You can’t just get over it. Trusting God is important, but God doesn’t just tell us to get over it, He walks through depression with us and fights with us in our hardest battles and on our darkest nights. ❤ God is a loving God, and He will never give up on us, even when we give up on ourselves.

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      1. No, no, I’m not saying that depression is easy. I can tell you firsthand about how deep and dark it is, but I can also tell you how it’s not helpful to sit in the dark thoughts and lies Satan tries to throw at you. I’ve struggled many times with the temptation to believe that I’m worthless and I’ve struggled so much at times, and one of the best things people could do for me was remind me of truths, that God had a plan and sill loved me. So I’m sorry that I phrased my comment in a way that made it seem like I was dismissing depression. I really wasn’t, I was just trying to remind him of a truth that has helped me out of my dark places. 🙂

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        1. That is much clearer now, and I agree with you! ❤ I was not trying to sound harsh or angry in replying to you, and I hope I didn't come across that way (I put a heart so I wouldn't sound angry, but it probably needed a smiley too 🙂 ) That is so true! Depression and self-hatred are an attack from Satan! And now, I am learning when these things serfice, to run to what I know. I write the truth on my arms and on my mirror, I memorize them, I listen to music that reflects God's truths, and I pray. It all helps me to get through those times! ❤ That truth that you were reminding him of is also something I need to be reminded of, thank you for your comment! I am sorry that I read your comment the wrong way! God Bless! ❤

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          1. Oh, I know you weren’t angry! I just wanted to clarify my comment for you and other readers. (writing truth on your arms is such a good way to remind yourself! I do that too!) 🙂 God bless!

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      2. Also– just to clarify, I wasn’t trying to tell him to get over it. I understand that it’s a time and a process. I’ve struggled with suicidal thoughts and seriously deep depression before and it’s not something you can just get over. I was simply trying to speak truth.

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        1. I understand that now! Thank you for giving that amazing reminder! I simply read your comment wrong, and I think Lin did too! I know God will use your experiences to encourage other people! I am sorry about that!

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          1. Aw, it’s okay, it can be so easy to read negative tones into things posted online! I really hope He does use my experience to help others. I’m sure He will, because He does everything for a reason. 😀

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          2. Okay, good. *sigh of relief* my people-pleaser mind can finally be at rest. I really don’t like conflict XD. Thank you so much! I am definitely going to check out your blog! ❤

            Liked by 1 person

          3. That’s life! 😉 I think it is cool that you do your blog with your mom! It is kind of hard for me to trust my mom with things so personal and close to my heart, but I am learning! ❤

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          4. Oh, I totally get struggling with trust. Even though we run a blog together, Mom and my relationship is by no means perfect. We still struggle with anger and mistrust towards each other, but the blog has certainly helped us work through some of that because we’re forced to confront it. 🙂

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          5. LOL yes 😂😂😂😂, I am glad I got to “meet” you through this though! Sorry about spamming your post Garrett! Never give up, you’ve got this!

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  2. Don’t live for the comments or the likes, just be you. That is what is amazing about your blog. You are honest. You are real about your problems and your hurt. God does have a plan for your life, He is writing an amazing story with a wonderful ending, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. Hang in there, you’ve got this! Never give up because you are not a lost cause! If your blog affect even one person, that is better than having 1,000 followers and not affecting anyone. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Garrett, it’s been a long time since I have dialed in on one of your messages. This year has been incredibly difficult and confusing. I’ve found that I can get myself so caught up with scrolling through the many posts about any given situation and focus more on the conflict and the crisis than on the ways God has equipped me for this time. You won’t change the world nearly as much through a blog as you will with a simple act of kindness to a friend or stranger (or family for that matter). God has gifted you with a caring heart so He can change the world through you. I miss you.
    David

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