sometimes i forget how to live
i don’t really think of myself as a depressed person honestly
i know that’s like all i post on here but i’m honestly a really chill person, i just vibe with life
or i try to
but sometimes it’s just all too much
i forget how to exist, i lay in my room all day and i just don’t bother with anything
but i’m working on it
i just remembered i have a list of coping techniques in my notes
maybe i’ll do some of those
but what’s the point of trying to be happy when there’s so much sadness
what’s the point of using my “platform” when nobody listens
i realize i haven’t really posted anything worth reading here lately. i’ve just been rambling, and ranting, and it doesn’t really make sense to you guys. sorry.
my thoughts have been chaotic at best, nonsensical at worst. i’m questioning why i’m doing this, why i’m shouting into the void. how am i gonna help end racism, sexism, homophobia? i long to do meaningful things but spend my time scrolling instagram because there’s nothing better to do when i’m not working. i don’t bother to dream anymore because i get sad i can’t do it immediately.
is it nice to exist without a goal? yes, for a while, but i get sick of it. i need to do, to go, to live. i can’t really do that. self-improvement and learning is all i’ve done for the past couple years, i have so much more to do but i don’t want to do any more just yet. i don’t feel like i’m at a crossroads, but i do think i’m just wandering aimlessly.
i want meaningful connections, deep friendships, loving relationships. i want to make a difference, to leave a legacy, to inspire and influence.
instead i find myself surrounded by death, disease, and stupidity.
it’s all too much, sometimes. i want to be strong but end up weak, showing my vulnerability on a blog that nobody reads. i want to lead but end up being a fool. i want to inspire and and end up annoying.
my blog stats have fallen this year. i tell myself it isn’t a big deal but it’s probably posts like these, meaningless rambles where i’m not even sure the point in posting this. it’s not even depressingly motivational like last year. even my meaningful posts fall flat.
is anyone out there? is anyone gaining anything from what i post? or am i just screaming into the void, standing at the edge of a cliff, the wind whipping in my face?
this post is brought to you by jocelyn flores~xxxtentacion