people have a lot of expectations. for me, for this blog. they expect me to act a certain way, say certain things. they expect and assume i fit into a box. because that’s what people do, right? they’re either normal, boxed-in people or they’re weird unsocialized homeschoolers. you’re either an introvert or an extrovert. you’re popular or you’re not. you’re this or you’re that. i’ve spent my entire life pushing against those boxes, those boundaries. sure, maybe talking constantly in kindergarten class wasn’t the greatest way to do that, but i was five, what do you expect? i’ve always felt constricted, pressured, trapped even. i feel the pressure to please my peers, my readers, my parents, my friends. but at the same time, i want to do exactly the opposite of what they expect. it’s a war in my mind, one i’ve become good at ignoring. even now i’m doing it, switching from serious posts to bad jokes about my public school experience. i can’t just be the nerd or the jokester or the writer or the photographer. i’m all of those, combining and blending them weirdly to create this odd blend of person. i’m generally happy with how i’ve turned out so far, but sometimes it’s exhausting being me. people expect me to write consistently, to practice ukelele constantly, to always get every task done and do it perfectly. or maybe that’s just me, the perfectionist, always trying to be the greatest in whatever i do. it’s a constant struggle to contain the perfectionism, manage and harness it so that i can focus my energy in the right places.
I wrote that in February. At the time I felt constricted, lonely, and I didn’t know what I was doing anymore. I was living in monotony, and the cold winter didn’t help. I’m always moody when it’s cold.
I never really feel like my mentality changes, honestly. I don’t just flip a switch and change, it’s more like a slow evolution. So looking back at this draft feels familiar, yet strange.
I feel much more comfortable in my own brain now. I think I’ve finally accepted that I’m not what I’m expected to be, and I’m totally cool with that. I can’t please everyone, so I don’t. Am I trying to anger people now, to show I don’t need to please them? Nah. Am I doing what’s right for me? Yes.
It’s refreshing, being in between those two extremes. For so long I would flip from one opinion to the other side, and flip right back if I felt like it. It was exhausting. Being chill like this and accepting of myself and my moods and my mindsets…it’s just freeing.
Just wanted to share that with you guys on a Saturday evening. Hope it’s encouraging.